My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
