i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
