Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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