I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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