We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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