Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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