you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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