This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
