Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
