Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
