I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
