i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Boobs speak an international language.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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