I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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