a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
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Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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