I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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