I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
