He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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