You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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