dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
