I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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