just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
