Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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