Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
