I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
