**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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