How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
