Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
