watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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