The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
