I just pynch a tree in the face
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
