someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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