And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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