finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
