Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
