the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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