My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
