he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
