my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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