either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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