I am spending my child support on dildos
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
