I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.