just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
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All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!