Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
