I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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