Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
