Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
