My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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