Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
