we have officially lost it.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Randomize
