STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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