I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
