I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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