Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The power of my boobs compel you
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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