toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize