Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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