If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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