you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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