haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
