I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
